i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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