I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
