I smell stomach acid.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
