K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
