It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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