hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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