Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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