haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
