I love black thongs
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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