all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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