I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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