its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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