Rock
Scissors
Fuck
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
