stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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