zippers are such a cool invention
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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