1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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