i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
