I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
