So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
