haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
