i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
