can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
