i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
