...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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