I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
