She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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