pop tarts are not kleenex
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Come share oat with me in your robe
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
