I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
