Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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