god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i wish my penis had a tongue
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
