I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
