I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
