he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
