Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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