i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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