having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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