He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
