is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
