I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
