I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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