Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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