if you like me you must not know who I am
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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