so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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