Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
