I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
