I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
