It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There r osticjed everywhere
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
