i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
