Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize
