my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
