Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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