I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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