Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
