Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
